This man is a born Actor but doesn't know it. This recording is of a Safety Briefing he made on a recent flight from Los Angeles to Chicago... |
NICHOLSON'S THREE LAWS OF FILMMAKING |
| NICHOLSON'S FIRST LAW OF FILMMAKING: Everything takes twice as long to achieve, even when you allow for Nicholson's First Law of Filmmaking in your original estimates |
| NICHOLSON'S SECOND LAW OF FILMMAKING: Everything costs twice as much as estimated, even when you allow for Nicholson's Second Law of Filmmaking in your original estimates |
| NICHOLSON'S THIRD LAW OF FILMMAKING: The audience's attention span is half what you estimated, even when you allow for Nicholson's Third Law of Filmmaking in your original estimates |
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PRAYERS FOR THE COMMON FILMMAKER
THE WRITER-DIRECTOR'S PRAYER
| Our Producer, who art with us in Development, |
| "Green Light" be thy name, |
| My script be done, |
| In camera as it was in the Shot List. |
| Give us this day our daily Dailies, |
| And forgive us our false takes, |
| As we forgive those who force false takes upon us. |
| Lead us into Distribution, |
| But deliver us from straight-to-DVD Hell |
| For Thine is the Kingdom, |
| The Royalties and the Final Say, |
| For ever and ever |
| Even if we didn't sign the contract |
| Amen |
THE PRODUCER'S PRAYER
| Our Executive Producer, who art in Tuscany |
| Lunch be thy name, |
| Thy showprint come, |
| On film as it was in your mind, regardless of the original pitch |
| Give us this day our box-office hit |
| And forgive us our dramatic liberties - |
| As we forgive those who slated the previews. |
| Lead us not into Lawyer's Offices, |
| And deliver us from the libilites |
| For thine is the Profit, the Awards and the Glory |
| For ever and ever, |
| Regardless of the residuals |
| Amen |
THE RUNNER'S PRAYER
| Our Father, who got us this job in the first place, |
| Nepotism be thy name, |
| Thy tea will come, |
| As did thy coffee and almond tart did this morning. |
| Give us our patience to accept all the bullshit, |
| As we fogive those that thrust bullshit upon us. |
| Lead us not into further debt, |
| And deliver us from unemployment |
| For thine is the Wage Slip, |
| The Deal Memo and the Per Deiums, |
| For ever and ever and ever |
| And ever and ever and ever |
| Goddamit! |
| Did I tell you, what I really want to do is Direct??? |
| Amen |
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